Wading in

The reeds stand silently
motionless in the heavy night air.
There is no breeze to stir them,
Only a slow cricket chirp
vibrating through the expanse.

The cool still water beckons,
singularly lit by the ever full moon.
It seems a pathway is illuminated
out across the dark, impenetrable waters.
This time I am ready.

I have come to this shore a thousand times
stood under this unblinking moon
felt the pull of the water
the promise of consummation
letting go and being fully embraced, surrounded.

But that would mean giving up control.
So I have waited and turned away,
back to my life, yet always unfulfilled, desiring.
So afraid to even poke a toe in.
I've run or trudged or been dragged from here 999 times.

I have returned as a doe.
Skittish, yet here I am.
I have taken off my shoes and feel the cool mud between my toes
I will not run or leave.
You know, I have nowhere else to go.

And even if I could, my thoughts and heart
always return here. You know they do.
It has always been this way.
You have always been waiting, the only place that is home.
Now, I am ready.

I bless you for your patience.
I praise you for your mercy.
I adore you for your sacrifice.
I thank you for your love.
My words are weak and falter.

I am wading in.

2 poems by W. B. Yeats

Cosmic clouds emitted from the Heart Nebula IC 1805 - near constellation Cassiopeia

He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

A Deep Sworn Vow

Others because you did not keep
That deep-sworn vow have been friends of mine;
Yet always when I look death in the face,
When I clamber to the heights of sleep,
Or when I grow excited with wine,
Suddenly I meet your face. 
____________________________

These two poems figure heavily in a song cycle that I am working up for the coming season.
Somehow, I fall in love with them more and more with every practice session.

The first poem is especially important to me at this time of year, just before my studio season starts. I read it to remind myself as a teacher that my students are coming to me with their dreams. I have the responsibility to them to nurture and honor their efforts and help them recognize their own triumphs.

The second poem is because after almost 18 years I reached out and received an answer, one of mutual respect and friendship and that is all I really ever needed...

Blue Moon

Duncan Campbell - South Beaver Creek, OR

Surrounded by their lazy chirp,
these crickets in the cool August evening
await the rise of a solitary traveler.

Reaching into the darkened sky
accustomed to silence for her prayers
eyes gaze aloft for answers only You can give

Dropping low to the open field
crystalline light bathes every blessed cell
slowing breezes, stillness returns, breathing settles

Confronting a fully honest face
her wearied heart senses its wounds bound up
by every silver beam radiating downward.

Remaining here she is at peace.
Her face a grain of sand on the vast beach
yet illuminated by Your willingness to stoop.

That is Your secret, is it not?
We are imperfect reflections of light.
Honesty, vulnerability, humility
She offers You these and her dreams
 for the gift of Your love.

Psalm Concerning the Castle - Denise Levertov

Let me be at the place of the castle.
Let the castle be within me.
Let it rise foursquare from the moat's ring.
Let the moat's waters reflect green plumage of ducks, let the shells of swimming turtles break the surface or be seen through the rippling depths.
Let horsemen be stationed at the rim of it, and a dog, always alert on the brink of sleep.
Let the space under the first storey be dark, let the water lap the stone posts, and vivid green slime glimmer upon them; let a boat be kept there.
Let the caryatids of the second storey be bears upheld on beams that are dragons.
On the parapet of the central room, let there be four archers, looking off to the four horizons.
Within, let the prince be at home, let him sit in deep thought, at peace, all the windows open to the loggias.
Let the young queen sit above, in the cool air, her child in her arms; let her look with joy at the great circle, the pilgrim shadows, the work of the sun and the play of the wind.
Let her walk to and fro. Let the columns uphold the roof, let the storeys uphold the columns, let there be dark space below the lowest floor, let the castle rise foursquare out of the moat, let the moat be a ring and the water deep, let the guardians guard it, let there be wide lands around it, let that country where it stands be within me, let me be where it is.

__________

I sang three masses today for the Feast of the Assumption. That means three times through Psalm 45.
Yesterday I had lunch with one of my oldest and dearest friends. He told me that I seemed different, settled and serene.
I have been working very hard on my inner fortress, and I am very grateful that someone who knows me so well has noticed my progress. 

August

The cicada shell
clings to a day in the past
it's broken lantern
dusty with evening light.

Walking alone toward the house,
my life is a moon
in the frail blue branches
of my veins.


by Ted Kooser 
from Sure Signs

Love and Breath: Deconstructed

Requiem - by Nathalia Suellen

It is neither strength, nor weakness that can be blamed.
In the end the fault lies in need.
In desperation.

Beauty can not be forced, though beauty be a force.
Trust. It is enough.
You are enough.

You who want it so badly, who yearn to control and contain.
You take on too much and must push, squeezing to the limits of your strength.
Release your worry.

Or, You with a tepid heart, who are shallow or threadbare.
You can not even conceive how far you are from what you desire, passionless and banal you will remain.
Open your eyes.

When awareness meets an open heart, there is a flow.
Love is magnified, shared and multiplied.

But it can not come from the poverty of an impoverished heart. From the need to prove, or move and least of all from the lack of will.
There is no ego in this. Take off your mask. Give up yourself and dive in.

Love is all we really have in this world. Everything else we borrow.
But our love is the only thing that is really ours to give and receive.
It is an active force, constantly pulsing and radiating
It comes from within and the trust comes first.

Trust brings the balance to the elements:
Anticipation and Desire
Inspiration and Liberation
Exhale into creation.

You are a force of nature.
You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
You were given a gift to share.
Time to step up.

Angel in pink light

I opened my eyes and saw a bright pink light.
"What is that?" I thought, unwitting that I had said it aloud.
A voice, "What do you see, hon?"
Who's voice was this? Do I know this voice?
"Who are you?" I asked. "Is the pink the curtain? or the sky?"
The voice answered, "The curtain is pink, but I pulled it back, the pink light is dawn. It is Saturday morning. My name is José. Are you thirsty?"

Saturday. I had made it to Saturday. I had lived through it.
"José, can I see the sky?"
"Let me adjust your table, I can't sit you up, but I can angle you. Do you want some jello?" José asked.
"No, jello thank you, just sky. Can I have my glasses?"
I felt my wedding band on my finger. It hadn't been a dream. Jason had been there. He had seen me. Did I remember seeing him? or dream it.
"He fainted, didn't he?"
José pushed my glasses onto my nose. The window came into view, and the blazing pink rushed into focus. I was alive. It was Saturday, July 29, 2006 and I was alive.
"My babies???"
José answered, "About two hours ago, we did a quick heart beat monitor. They were fine, two strong heartbeats. By 8 am, there will be a team here with an ultrasound, you'll see them today. The anesthesiologist was sure they were fine. You were monitored very closely. You had a rough night. You're husband and mom were here, your husband was a little scared. Your mom took him home. Are you in pain?"
I never saw José, he was silhouetted in the pink light. Jason had kissed me, he had put my band back on my finger, than he said 'i am gonna faint.' and the nurse got him a chair just in time. I hadn't dreamed it.
"No, no pain, not like before anyway. I have my babies, I have my life. We will be okay."
José showed me how to use the PCA, and I did use it, but before I slipped back into sleep, I saw the dawn. Literally, the dawn of a new day for us. Later Jason came in, as I was transferred to an ICU room. He was there for the ultrasound. We cried together. The babies were kicking and squirming as before.