Longing or Loneliness

Is it loneliness or longing,
This cancer eating my heart,
Aching white hot through the night,
Raging on wildly all the long day?

This gnawing pang that threatens
To swallow me whole,
Like the cavernous pit of pain,
That marked your exit from my world.

I offered you my suffering,
As a testament of my love,
Untranquilized, full and raging,
And still you left, or were never there to meet me.

It is only at sunset when comes a brief release,
The clouds easing into gilded stripes,
The land settling down,
As a wearied soul prepares for death.

There is no grief at sunset, just peace, and colors
And eternity which washes between us.
A sky which silently waits for empty arms to give up,
Our strangled cries to cease.

This golden honeyed hour of sweetness
Is when I feel closest to you.
We are one, joined as overlapping spirits
in a sea of glowing warmth.
Jennifer D. Behnke - September 1, 2014 - 9:53PM

Fears

That first night
after I heard the news
after I knew the result
the futility of it all settled in my heart.

I wept bitter tears
for myself
and for you
my sweet littlest one.

Mom told me
that the nuns taught her that
"A woman offers her body
as sacrifice
on the altar of Motherhood".
I know this sacrifice.

Your brother and sister cost me
thirteen hours in surgery, twice
thirty percent of my right leg
three days of my life in neurosurgical ICU
three months of mobility
three years of singing.

But through it all I had them
to cling to
to hold on to
to nurture
to wonder at
to behold.

I have grown stronger
every day
that I may watch them grow
and live and learn and laugh
and that I may love them
with my doubly grateful heart.


My littlest love,
I will give you
all that I am as sacrifice.
I ask only that you stay.
Even if my arms be too weak to lift you
Even if my eyes dim that I may not see you
Even if my brain splinters to fragments
and I be utterly unrecognizable to myself.

Stay in my arms
That I might cherish you
with every moment I have left.
Let my sacrifice not be in vain.

Jennifer D. Behnke (February 17, 2014)