Feast of St. Francis - Time to break my silence 4 months later

I am ready to begin to speak about this.
4 months ago, on June 4, 2014, my worst fears were confirmed.
My 28 week-old baby boy's heart had stopped in my womb.
There was nothing that could be done, no words or actions that could undo the reality.

I was sent home to pack for the hospital, told I'd be induced that evening.
We took my big kids out of school and tried to explain things the best we could.
"Mommy is okay, but Frankie is not. Mommy will be in the hospital for a few days. No, you won't be able to see Frankie. Yes, I know this isn't fair." Comforting my children was about the only words I could speak. My words actually ceased for about 2 more days, my brain unable to find anything sufficient to express my heart.

What followed was 13 hours of unmedicated labor, the most traumatic birth experience one can imagine, including being left completely alone for the actual birth.  Eventually, it led to holding of my perfect tiny, still baby in my arms, singing to him and only giving him up when my arms and my body finally succumbed to exhaustion.

The last 4 months have been an ongoing mourning, and healing process, through which I could not have come without the support of some of the most incredible friends, family and clergy on the planet. I am truly blessed to be surrounded with so much love. Even so, I have good days and bad days. Days when I want to run, or scream or throw it all away and start again... Most days, I just put my head down and work at the task at hand and try not to think too much, or feel too much. I am mostly overwhelmed with loving thoughts about my baby boy, Francis Joel. As the line in The Princess Bride goes, "he was poor, poor and perfect."

On Wednesday, October 15, we will mark a still little-known observance on the national calendar: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
26 years ago President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month when he said, “When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them.” In our country, there is still a 20% chance that pregnancy will end in miscarriage and stillbirth. If you mistakenly think this number is high, let me tell you that I have been overwhelmed by women, men and couples offering me their own hidden love stories to help with my grief.

At Sacred Heart Church in Bloomfield, NJ at 7:30PM, we will have our weekly Rosary devotion and Expostion of the Blessed Sacrament, I will be bearing witness to my story for my son, and for all those who have come to me since and told me of their losses. 

I have grown stronger for this experience, and will continue to reemerge in all aspects of my life. I am grateful for what my Francis has taught me. I ask only for your prayers that I may help others in the future through their own sorrowful journeys.


Some readings that have helped me cope:
Maria Grizzetti's article

Fr. Landry's article

October 15 date information



Sacred - by Stephanie Paige Cole
Your life began and
ended within my womb I
am a sacred space
because of you.