Fears

That first night
after I heard the news
after I knew the result
the futility of it all settled in my heart.

I wept bitter tears
for myself
and for you
my sweet littlest one.

Mom told me
that the nuns taught her that
"A woman offers her body
as sacrifice
on the altar of Motherhood".
I know this sacrifice.

Your brother and sister cost me
thirteen hours in surgery, twice
thirty percent of my right leg
three days of my life in neurosurgical ICU
three months of mobility
three years of singing.

But through it all I had them
to cling to
to hold on to
to nurture
to wonder at
to behold.

I have grown stronger
every day
that I may watch them grow
and live and learn and laugh
and that I may love them
with my doubly grateful heart.


My littlest love,
I will give you
all that I am as sacrifice.
I ask only that you stay.
Even if my arms be too weak to lift you
Even if my eyes dim that I may not see you
Even if my brain splinters to fragments
and I be utterly unrecognizable to myself.

Stay in my arms
That I might cherish you
with every moment I have left.
Let my sacrifice not be in vain.

Jennifer D. Behnke (February 17, 2014)